Mallorie

I don’t trust people.  People in general that is.  I have a very hard time warming up to people and really letting them in.  It takes me a long time to truly and honestly trust someone.  I have felt like this for a long time.  I know that I am like this and I often try to over compensate for this by diving head first into things blindly.  Having said this, I often find myself stuck with the choice to sink or swim.  I am getting really tired of having to tread water.  I am trying not to jump blindly.  It is frustrating many people in my life right now.  They won’t say it directly to me, but I can tell.  It’s okay really.  I know.  I am trying to turn over a new leaf in this part of my life.  I am trying to just take things slow and let things happen.  I am holding back and taking one step at a time.  It doesn’t mean that it will help me to trust anyone more or less than before, but it means being able to see where it is that I am going and the type of people I am surrounding myself with.  I find myself wanting to trust people.  Wanting to just let my walls down and let people in.  I have just been hurt so many times in the past by the people that I did let in that I am having a really hard time with this.  I keep telling myself to just take a chance and open up the door.  When the time comes however I find myself guarded and a bit standoffish.  I’m scared.  I lost a lot of people in my life these last few months.  People I had known for years and had been very close to.  People I had trusted.  People that when I needed them the most, turned their back on me.  The wounds are still fresh.  It isn’t really that I want those people back in my life at this point, rather that it makes me question how much you can really know some people.  I still have some very wonderful people in my life right now that mean the world to me though.  People that stood by me, and were there for me when I needed them.  These are the type of people I want in my life. I know that there are more people out there like this.  People that I don’t want to end up pushing away because of my fear of trust.  I need them to have patience in me and to understand that I need to take things slow for me.   I need to teach myself how to trust again.  That I am taking steps to let them in.  The steps just happen to be baby steps.  I will get there eventually.

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This entry was posted by Mallorie on Saturday, January 15th, 2011 at 1:08 am and is filed under Healing, Relationships, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.